Happyness and Rejections
- Lunatica
- Feb 21, 2021
- 4 min read
Updated: Feb 27, 2021
19/02/2021
Dear diary
Still a dreamer, yet more of a realist than ever before, I knew this was my time to sail. On the horizon, I saw the shining future, as before. The difference now was that I felt the wind at my back. I was ready.
- The Pursuit of Happyness
I have never reacted to this quote or the movie this way ever. However, today as I look at the rejection from the college I wanted to get in for my PhD, I realise, my happyness was not reduced, just adjusted. I don't know how could I say this as I woke up to my rejection letter, especially when I am one of those people who would bawl her eyes out for a pinprick to my favourite person. I swear had they done it to my friend, I would have cried by now. I somehow, diary, can't bring myself to do that for myself. You know, the honest struggles of an empath. Anyway, before I go really off-topic I want to tell you why I started calling you after so many years of nothingness.
When we face rejections, we often question ourselves with 'Why me' more than we question 'Why were we rejected and what better can I do?' I have done that more times than I can remember.
The time I wasn't the main dancer on the raas-leela. As if being 'Radha' even mattered now as I struggle to keep one normal relation functional. I acted as if nothing got me, when in fact I felt terrible because I was far better a dancer than my so-called friend. I remember standing gracefully even at the corner while my heart buried itself on 'Why me'. I hear the echoes of sympathy from my teacher saying 'your voice and singing is far better than your dance. Don't take it otherwise'. But, I did take it otherwise. To be honest, it wasn't the fault of a 9-year-old who was too passionate about dance, but of those who couldn't encourage her enough or teach her well. However, I realise this only now. And, it didn't feel this way back then. I just felt terrible and I know even worse than I feel right now as I reread the Oxford mail for the fifth time.
I didn't react in this very same way when I realised the work of my friend and mine, a well-thought article, was rejected twice by two journals. Of course, I felt bad, however, the impact was not that. I somehow felt okay with everything in these professional matters now.
Either I am too depressed to react or I know I will do something better, far better than this, someday, if I keep growing. I am pretty sure, I am more inclined towards the latter.
If you were a homo sapien, you will probably make fun of me for not being like this when I am in love. Such rejections are worse. No matter the circumstance or instant, your love being ignored and diminished to nothing, is not a nice feeling. If you were born a human, you would know. Right now all you know is some alphabets singing on your smooth canvas.
Do you remember the time when all I wanted was to become a doctor? Did I first get rejected or did I give up on my dream before? I am sure it was latter. I did prepare for the stupid entrance exam, but I knew it wasn't enough. Not as nearly enough as I did in GPAT.. Why didn't I try again? I am sure I will reapply to another UK university one day in many years if not immediate. Why wasn't this the case for my MBBS? I am sure I just accepted my fate before even it was sealed as I understood the practicality of my family's finance. I couldn't afford to study for that long without a decent income or earning. So, even though corporate wasn't my first dream, I learnt to accept it far more graciously than the kid who sulked for not being a mythological character of faith.
This is not stupid as far as I know. This is knowing to not associate your happiness with just a success in the professional area. I still have dreams, that I have confidence I shall achieve. However, I know there are far better things than just getting the professional achievement, like the warm glass of milk on your bedside, the little corner of your otherwise chaotic house, the warm embrace of your loved one, the first-morning coffee that makes you forget all your worries and so on. Not saying other things don't matter to me but this;
This part of my life... this part right here? This is called "happyness."
I wish I could say this about my personal life as well. I am learning through a self-help book that there are different kinds of sets in our life; mindset, heart set and soul set. The second is somewhat f'd up for me. All the traumas we don't heal projects at us during our failures. I know I sound boring like those famous motivational speakers, but ain't this the truth. I once read a quote;
If You Don't Heal What Hurt You, You'll Bleed on People Who Didn't Cut You.
and, this makes sense more than it ever did.
Alright, now I will stop with my blabbering, and sign off. I will not promise I will return to you soon, but you sure are the best listener I ever had.
Aishwarya
Hello guys, this is not my usual way of writing and this is not something I talk about much in my blogs. This experience was really personal and I am so thankful to 'Venkat' whom I met in biocamp, for his idea that turned this blog so different, personal and honest. Diary entries used to be my thing as a child and when Venkat gave this idea of doing the blog, I instantly agreed. I no longer have time or take time to do these entries, but I wish I did. The incidences in the blog are completely true and heartfelt. Hope you enjoyed reading. This was a scary attempt but in the end, the more honest I am here, the more people will be to themselves as they read. I first thought about this blog as a January edition naming 'Aced or botched' but february entered with more bad news to deal with. So, in a attempt to move with courage, I wrote this. Thank you for your time and patience.
♪
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